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Archive for May, 2010

Promise

Often, it’s the promise of change, something new, healing and other, sometimes imperceivable shifts that sparks real change.  

Though a drop in the bucket, here’s my offering of a new start:

Have a beautiful day.

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Lost…

Aspiration….

Inspiration….

Motivation…

Direction…

Melancholy.  That’s what I feel right now.  I’ve been in such a rut, I couldn’t even bring myself to write a blog.  Sometimes I feel like there isn’t enough time in a day.  (However, I think it might be more like there isn’t enough sleep in a day.)

Not even enough time for me to remember to meditate, let alone do it for 5 minutes…

I am in a personal rut.  The combination of the eldest’s smart brains and sluggish social/emotional skills are making for a challenging day-to-day; the youngest has hit an independence streak that is catching me cranky–especially in this newfound heat.  It’s making me want to bail this stay-at-home-mama ship and go get a job.  I’d even settle for one with a supervisor, which I swore I wouldn’t return to after my last experience.  I’m feeling

personally direction-less,

totally un-creative and

resentful of the fact that I spend everyday from morning to night taking care of someone or something else that has little spiritual or nurture value for ME.  (I re-read this sentence later, and though to myself, “raising children should have spiritual AND nurture value, which just emphasizes how truly lost I really am…)

Truthfully, life is pretty good.  The gardens are blooming, and the result of a couple of years of hard work is paying off in the flowers on the strawberry plants and raspberry bush.  The lilac cutting grew to more than twice its size from last year and the chamomile and chives are in bloom.  The perennial wildflowers took off early and are showing off beautiful little purple and orange blossoms.  Bills are getting paid, chores are being handled, and my partner has been helping out nicely with the kids and the house…so what’s up?

My frustrations with my eldest’s challenges are starting to take over the rest of my life.  My temper is short, my patience is waning rapidly, and I’m starting to notice things I’d rather be doing than arguing or cajoling Em into doing.  It’s truly draining, and there’s nothing else in place to replenish that drain.

There are things I like to do, but finding time is the hardest part.  I like to sew and craft, I used to be great at making music, but now I settle for listening to great music, I used to be able to catch up with friends at lunch or on the phone, I like being active in my local community through birth activism, I used to get showers every day.  And, perhaps most of all, I used to think about what I wanted to be when I grow up.  Now, I feel stuck. There it is.  STUCK.

So, in an effort not to wallow, and to build myself an action plan (because all of this wallowing won’t do).

Goals: 

Find ME time.  Even if I have to get out of bed extra-extra early to get it.  Night time doesn’t work.

Find US time.  My partner and I had a date a while back in July of 2008…I’d like that to happen again soon.  I miss her.

Do something.  Anything.  By hand.  And not repairing more clothes.

Be conscious with money.  Our ship here is tight.  We are in the middle of a lot of big financial things right now, and though it doesn’t feel do-able to pay for a yoga class or massage, or something else rewarding and expensive, it would probably be easier if we didn’t nickel-and-dime our money away on things that don’t matter, or matter much less after they’ve been purchased.  This includes incorporating a bit of ingenuity when it comes to playing, toys and acquiring new things for the sake of convenience.  We need to go for quality here.

Let. It. Go.  I need to stop obsessing about all the things we don’t have, are planning to do, would love to do if we had the time/money/space/energy.  I know that this is a waste of time, but it seems to be hard-wired in me.

Do affirmations.  I’ve always had a hard time with this, because it feels so silly.  But, I might need to start with the basics this time around.  I need to start being gentler with myself, kinder to my family and understanding of us all that we are all doing our best in this time and space.

Ask for help.  I’m stellar at helping out folks if they ask, but always feel terrible if I need to ask someone for something.  I don’t feel bad if someone asks me for something, and I realize that the community only thrives when we all pitch in, so I need to start asking for some help.  This is going to be a toughie.

Start thinking about a vocation, but pressure-free.  There are so many things I want to do and be in life.  And I have this teeny paranoia that I’m missing my train.  But, away with the paranoia and focus on right here, right now.  I’m raising babies, doing work to help ensure that there is a world and community for them to inherit.  Jumping into a career or high-pressure education right now is probably not the best timing.  I need to be okay with that.  I’ll work on that.

So, tell me, What do you do to take care of yourself?

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